Parents as ‘lovable authoritarians’ Queena Lee-Chua Philippine Daily Inquirer
June 28, 2009
Proper parenting is authoritatively loving and lovingly authoritative, says American family psychologist John Rosemond.
Parents are not their children’s peers --they are leaders in the home.
In real life, there can never be a truly democratic relationship at home between parents and their children -- not as long as the kids live at home and rely on parents for their needs.
This may sound brutal, but research affirms it to be true.
When the family revolves around children, they may become tyrants, believing that the world exists to serve them.
They become easily frustrated, and cannot cope well with problems.
“Children have the right to find out early in their lives that their parents exist not to make them happy, but to offer them the opportunity to learn the skills they need to eventually make themselves happy,” Rosemond says.
“Children have the right to learn to be grateful for what they receive. Therefore, they have the right to receive all of what they truly need and very little of what they simply want.”
Rosemond is a best-selling author of 10 books.
He has a column that appears in more than 200 newspapers in the United States.
The executive director of the Center for Affirmative Parenting in North Carolina, he has been happily married for 38 years, with “two happy married children, and six well-behaved grandchildren.”
“Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children,” Rosemond’s first book published in the 1980s, has become a classic.
Now he has updated his work, but his principles are timeless.
He talks about why children need play and exercise to stimulate creativity, imagination, and self-reliance; and why parents need to limit television viewing time, computer use and video games.
Most of all, he shows how parents can teach the three Rs (respect, responsibility, resourcefulness).
He gives sensible advice on how to deal with tantrums, addictions, bullying; how to ensure fairness, responsibility, initiative; and other issues in parenting today.
Rosemond’s “The New! Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children” is available at Bestsellers, 3rd floor, Robinson’s Galleria; tel. 6382046-49; e-mail nbsrobbestsellers@nationalbookstore.com.ph.
Love decisions
When my students ask for help in their romantic relationships, I often find myself wishing that their parents would talk candidly about these things. Some women students say their fathers are too shy to talk about these issues. They may be right.
Dads concerned about dating, romance and marriage should read Donald Harvey’s “Love Decisions.”
Or, at least, give a copy to their daughters who are in high school or college.
Harvey, a marriage counselor and a father for more than 20 years, draws from his experience with daughter Paige in talking about how to spot guys who are not marriage material (and how to recognize Mr. Right), when to get serious about a guy, when a relationship can lead to marriage and, if needed, how to manage a breakup.
For instance, to discover if a relationship is getting better, Harvey urges women to ask these questions: “Is this relationship making me a better person? Is this relationship getting easier?”
Here are positive signs:
* The couple finds more things to agree on and less things to disagree on.
* They discover ways to resolve issues, feeling like they have been heard and understood.
* They speak more personally, honestly and directly, without sticking to superficial subjects or avoiding difficult issues.
* They experience comfort, trust, support, acceptance, without feeling anxious or distrustful.
When should a relationship end?
Harvey gives a list:
* When both parties have very different goals for life and marriage, or significant incompatibility issues.
* When it seems impossible for wounds to heal.
* When both parties have relationship problems, or at least one party has deep personal problems that the other cannot deal with.
* When one party is not ready for marriage.
“Love Decisions” by Donald Harvey is available at OMF Literature. Contact Misha D. Pallorina at 5316635 loc 304 or e-mail MishaPallorina@OMFLit.com.
Keep it together
How do busy moms cope with family, school, work, etc.? How do they keep it together?
My former student Frannie Severino (now Daez) used to work for a bank and an organizational development company but, with six children, she decided to leave the corporate world and become a full-time homemaker.
“I thought that being a housewife would give me more free time to relax and enjoy my children, but staying home didn’t seem to make my life easier,” Frannie says.
“I felt burdened by having to take care of the children and the household 24/7. I felt that my day was just filled with unglamorous tasks.”
Frannie soon realized that “running a home is a lot like running a corporation.” Definitely. “We start out with a mission and a vision, and set our priorities and goals. Then we define our responsibilities. As work progresses, we organize. We streamline processes and procedures, check the quality of our work, and find ways to improve the system. Depending on our needs, we may hire outside help. When we do, we have to train, coach and counsel them. We help them organize and work to our standards. There may come a time when we have to fire those who fail to meet our expectations.”
To apply these corporate strategies to the home, Frannie came up with a book, “Keep It Together (KIT): A Home Management Manual,” complete with tips, schedule logs, even recipes.
She discusses weekly organization, kitchen safety, garbage segregation, interviews with helpers and, best of all, ways for mothers to recharge.E-mail Frannie Daez at kit.frannie@gmail.com.E-mail the author at blessbook@yahoo.com.
